The Headlines…

I don’t actually read the paper, I scan it. I’m not unusual. That’s why the HEADLINES are Bold, to tease us, to entice us, to get us to read the article. 

Now Jay Leno’s been dealing with stupid headlines for awhile, so I’m not inventing this. And, maybe it’s just me, but I’m thinking lately the editors have been on strike, too. Take a look at these recent moronic attention grabbers from The Arizona Republic.

Guns in schools considered

Gee, someone just killed five people at NIU and we’re thinking about about letting MORE guns into schools? Wouldn’t something like, Are Guns in Schools the Answer?, be a better way to broach a sensitive topic? Let’s be brutally frank here. The reason more people aren’t killed is because not everyone has a gun in their pocket. SNAP happens in an instant – when frustration, pressure, disappointment, fear, anger, and pain collide. At that point, reason is gone and the only thing between you and death is whether or not the SNAPEE has a handgun accessible. Personally, I’d prefer they didn’t. If you’ve experienced my driving at times, you’d understand.

Study faults bureaucrats for deaths of Marines

Now, at first blush, you’d think, “Yeah, for sending ‘em to Iraq!” But, that’s not the point. Instead, the sub-headline criticizes bureaucrats for slowing “the delivery of blast-resistant vehicles.” If we weren’t over there, we wouldn’t need blast-resistant vehicles. When you go to war, people die. What a dumb study! My headline? Morons sent Naked Marines to Iraq

Cervical-cancer vaccine’s shots delivering faint-inducing pain

That a boy! Let’s deter people from getting a series of shots that could keep them from experiencing cervical cancer. This one so annoyed me I’m gonna give you the reporters name: Mike Stobbe, Associated Press. Listen Mike, have you considered the PAIN of cancer? Trust me, I’m guessing the shot hurts less. My headline? Cervical-cancer vaccine’s short-term pain worth it - still interesting, you’ll want to find out about the short-term pain, but NOT a shocker that gives girls an immediate reason to avoid the shots. Remember: Cost AND Benefit. He only gave us the cost. Bad, Mikey, Bad!

Finding Victor

Front page, December 8, 2007. I kept it because, well, I write detective novels and it offered some research info. What it didn’t do was DELIVER! It’s two weeks before Christmas. It’s front page. What did I expect? GOOD NEWS! A family reunited. An ‘ahh’ feeling at the end. Nope. How about an analysis that 3/4 of the unidentified bodies in morgues come from four states, Arizona among them. Victor died the day after he disappeared, but police wrote him off as an illegal and did little to identify him. So, yeah, they found Victor… in the morgue files. Needless to say, the headline failed! My headline? I’d use the sub-header to clarify: Eight-year search finds closure at the morgue. Not uplifting? Neither was the story.

Enough WisDUMB for today. Time to get back to work on DICTATEdead. After all, I’m sure some of the reporters out there are looking for a way to return the skewering…

Regards,

 P. T.

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